I am trying desperately to get out of going to Family Camp. I am planted firmly in the belief that if I whine and complain and just refuse to pack that it won't come. As many of you know, I am not an outdoorsy person unless it involves laying on the beach in a bikini with rock star sunglasses and a frozen girly froufrou drink in my hand. So the whole realm of the cub scouting outdoor world is new to me...well not really because I was a girl scout forever and they forced us to go camping but even then I knew the pleasures of electricity and flushy potties. After a few camping trips with us ALL of our leaders, my Daddy included, knew that flushy potties and running water were a necessity if they actually expected any of us to go!
So here am I artfully dodging (blogging can be considered an artform right?) packing for family camp. I sat down with the list that our cubmaster was nice enough to send home....and I am scared to death! Why on earth would I need things like this? Are we going into the deep woods? (And I have I mentioned that it's gonna be 40 freaking degrees tomorrow night and they are expecting me to sleep in a tent??)
So I thought I would break the list down for all of my readers out there...all 1 of you! The things that we are asked to bring are in blue and my comments towards them aren't.
Camping Equipment
Tent or tarp, poles and stakes
check... we have a tent and all of the poles are actually in it
Waterproof ground cloth or plastic sheet
This is a neccessity because it has RAINED the last two days! and I really don't wanna sleep in a puddle... but we don't own one...looks like I am sleeping in a puddle...Neil won't be...he has to go to work...YEAH RIGHT!
Sleeping bag, pillow, air mattress
OK here is the first BIG problem...we don't own sleeping bags! Why on earth would a pretty pretty princess need a sleeping bag. I havent been camping since 1992! We do however own an air mattress....with a hole in it as Andrew found out when my dad was here...the problem is that even if patched, the only way I have to blow it up is with the pump....that runs off of electricity which doesn't exist at Camp. And since I don't plan on huffin' and puffin to blow the house down, I see this as NOT happening so I am going to be sleeping in the aforementioned puddle in the aforementioned 40 degrees
Cup, Bowl, plate, knife, fork, spoon, mesh bag
Mesh bag?? Have they never heard of plastic spoons, paper plates and aluminum cans?
Clothesline
Can someone please explain this one? I am going camping in the middle of CLEARWATER, one of the largest tourist destinations in the state and I need a CLOTHESLINE? And I am only going overnight? Why I am suddenly getting the image of me standing in a crick (gotta say like you're from TN) washing my clothes on a rock with dishsoap and hanging them out to dry? Is this all part of their evil wicked plan to kidnap me and get rid of the pretty pretty princess in me? AUGH THE TORTURE!
Clothes bag
cub scout uniform
think I'm safe there
poncho or raincoat
Will the cute umbrella I got for Christmas out of the grab bag from my Granny work? The box of nails that Neil got have been so very helpful! Poncho's ain't my style!
warm jacket or coat
I live in FLORI-DUH...I don't OWN a warm jacket or a coat. I do however own three hoodies but can only wear two of them at scouts because the other is alcoholic...well the sweatshirt isn't but after this I might be. It advertises liquor..so it's out!
pajamas or sweatshirt/sweatpants
I'm good there. I do own a pair of sweatpants...somehow I don't think my silk angel monkey pajamas would be appropriate for camp.
underwear
durable shoes
I don't hike...and the only reason I own tennis shoes is because for two months out of the year it is too cold to wear flipflops. So I am hoping that my Frog Adidas are OK....and once again...I don't hike...unless it is through the mall (or the parking lot of the mall) for a good sale or if there are massive amounts of alcohol involved ie. a Buffett concert
shoe laces
Really?? I have to go buy SHOE LACES?? I don't think I have ever purchased a set of shoe laces...maybe its to hang the unmentionables that I just washed in the crick, up inside the tent so I don't expose the scouts to big girl panties!
hat or cap
I wholeheartedly believe that they are talking about a stocking cap or muggers hat as they are referred to around here...but once again I live in Florida...I left all of that stuff in TN when I left. And ya know what's even better...all of my hats advertise liquor...can you tell we have been in the bar business for awhile?
gloves
we're back to the Florida thing again...unless they mean the big yellow rubber gloves...as a housewife I have SEVERAL pairs of those!
extra socks, shoes, other extra clothing
oh you mean we don't get to run around in already dirty clothes the next day? Darn I was looking forward to that.
Family Gear
Lawn Chairs
Good thing I have stocked up on them...bad thing is, they don't fold and are probably going to fly out of the back of the truck on US19 and cause a wreck.
cooler
cot or pad
I first read this a clot and had to go back and correct myself...and what type of pad...I'm assuming NOT an air mattress since that was already listed in the camping equipment section...so do I need to pick up a few legal pads or what? I have several different kinds of pads.....
Toliet Kit
toothpaste, toothbrush, comb
why can't I take a brush?
washcloth, towel
soap in container
well since bar soap dries my skin out, all of my soap is in a container...but what you fail to mention is where you think one is going to use said soap? It's 40 degrees and there is no electricity!! Do you think I am about to shower (in the shower that hasnt been cleaned in 29 years) at camp? They don't have HOT water!!! AIN'T happening! I'll be dirty thank you...home is 5 minutes away!
toliet paper
Really?? I am paying all of this money and you can't even supply TOLIET PAPER?? Someone said that this is in case of an emergency? What kind of emergency do you need 100 rolls of toliet paper for? Can you fend off wild bears with it? Is Hugh Hefner going to show up and I need to instantly sprout some ta-ta's?? Why on earth would I need a whole roll toliet paper? If this place doesn't have flushy potties I am sooooo walking across the street to the 24 hour 7-11!
extra plastic bag
The same person tried to convince me that this was to cart the used TP away...AIN'T HAPPENING!!!
First Aid
Well I'm already screwed...don't have one...it's all in a pretty pink basket in the closet
first aid kit
water bottle
Can I substitute the water in said bottle for Vodka?
flashlight, bulb, batteries
Hmmmm I wonder where the Bug's Life and Pirates of the Caribbean flashlights are?
sunscreen
It's going to be 40 degrees, the only part of me that you will see under the layers and layers of clothes is my eyeballs and I don't think they'll need sunscreen
insect repellent
for the crazy mosquitos that havent already gone into hibernation
whistle
I was told that this is in case I get lost...hello....I'm in Clearwater...and I have a cell phone. I could walk to the 7-11 in less than 5 minutes no matter where I am at camp. Heck I could walk HOME in about that!
safety pins
Am I doing arts and crafts in the woods? I was told that this is in case I split my pants...why wouldn't I just put on another pair of pants? Heck I am 4 blocks from Old Navy...I could walk there and buy new ones in the time it would take me to find said safety pins in my bag and figure out how to piece the pants back together AND I get a new pair of jeans out of the deal! HELLLOOOO!
extras
camera
binoculars
so I can spy on the apartment complex next door and watch TV through their window!
sunglasses
I don't go anywhere without at least one pair of large sunglasses. I even have them on my head at night. I am wearing them right now!
notebook and pencil
This is so I can write letters home...I will be gone so long and I will miss everyone at home! Or maybe this is so that I can pass notes to all my grown up friends around the campfire...naaaahh I'll just text them
nature books
I am rushing out to Barnes and Noble to pick up a copy of the "Pinellas County Guide to Nature" It shows in vivid detail all that you will need to know to identify the species that live here...like the "Snowbird" and the "Retiree" and the "Touron (tourist/moron) and the very hard to find "Florida Native"
optionals
swimsuit
Kiss my grits! That is NOT happening!!
fishing gear
I did hear that there is a pond there...but I am pretty sure it'll be frozen over tomorrow!
work gloves
That would mean that you are expecting me to do physical labor....HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
OK I really do have to pack. I have wasted all day and haven't done anything that I planned. Now I am behind and I have to meet my 'peeps' at JJ's to celebrate Heather's Bday!
